No, wait, let me explain.
I’m not a masochist, I swear. Pain sucks. But as I doubled over earlier, unable to stand up for the searing pain racing through my body, and I smiled, I thought this was worth a conversation.
I should give you some context. (Warning: involves feminine bodily functions.) All women will complain about periods – they SUCK – but for me they were worse than the average woman. The pain associated was so intense that I found myself unable to move for two weeks of the month, passing out from pain, and finding out what “blinding pain” meant. No exaggeration.
For the last few years I have been on hormonal birth control to stop my periods and therefore, the pain. All was well and good. But then everything changed when
the fire nation attacked my period returned. (Wouldn’t it be nice if one form of medication worked forever? Bipolar folks can agree with me here.) I was told to go on the combination pill ON TOP of my Implanon (no way is this uterus getting impregnated).
I swear it’s about to get relevant to Bipolar.
Did it work? Well, it stopped my period again. But it now caused the longest and most severe depression of my life. Looking back, I don’t know why I stuck through it. It was only a week ago that I decided I was sick of it and I stopped taking the pill, and for this whole week I have felt normal again, it’s been wonderful.
As you’ve probably guessed from my earlier statement of being in pain, my period came back 2 days later and it hasn’t be pretty. So why have I been so happy? Possibly because the reactions I get from people as I laugh from being in pain are hilarious, but I would say it’s probably because after being in such a dark place for so long, if the only thing I have to complain about is a bad period it just feels wonderful.
You see, a depression can take you to the worst places. Make your nightmares feel like relief because at least the nightmares aren’t real and you can wake up from them. It is a time where even the most bright, positive people forget that there was ever such a thing as happiness and they lose themselves in the pain.
To have that weight lifted away, to feel your mind clear and to become you again is something I struggle to find the words to describe. It is the most wonderful thing. How can I be upset now? What physical pain can I experience now that would make me feel as bad as the emotional distress I was going through before? Even in pain I have more ability than in my depression.
So, when I struggle to stand up, I will smile. I will be grateful that I am able to smile, and mean it. I will be grateful that I can share jokes and laughter with my friends, that I have the mental function to plan how to overcome this issue. I truly am, so happy right now.