And Just a Touch of Crazy

I’m so sorry for asking you back but thank you thank you

It’s okay

This one was too much too much
Too much
Felt hands around my throat
I felt them
I felt them
I felt the hands sliding around


Scary hands
Help me
I’m here but im not here
How can I not be here

You are here
You’re talking to me right now
You’re in control
Just breathe and try to push everything else out

Focus on your breaths in and out
Nothing else

I can’t breathe with his hands there I’m really trying but I cant

Who’s hands?

His
Bad man
Scary
Bad

So nobody you know?

I’m feeling a bit better though
No, no one I know
There’s not even a body,just handd
Talking is helping
Thank you
Hands back hand back
Round legs
Dragging
Stop It

Hey listen
This person is a figment of your imagination, you and I both know that
You had the will to push through and message me about it
He will go away, that’s certain enoigh

Ok

All that matters is how you respond to it

Where will hr go?

Hell dissapear, completely out of your room, the country, this universe

Ok, that’s nice
He sometimes comes back though

He will never hurt uou
He cant

He’s everywhere he’s everywhere stop it please please stop it stop
I can’t
He’s everywhere he really is this has to stop I can’t do this I cant
He’s hurting me

The world isn’t real. Why do I not feel like I’m a part of the world? What am I standing on? It’s there, but it can’t be, like I’m seeing it through a screen. Those buildings seem to be there but they’re not. I can’t explain this. I’m so scared, what’s happening to me!? I’ll close my eyes, but now I’m dizzy, and I’m falling. I feel so sick. I can’t make sense of this. My head will explode. I’m not right. I’m not right…

It’s ok, it’s just anxiety. Can’t let that stop me from living my life. Now, what time did that train come? Need to check online. Ok, deep breaths. Anxiety will pass. Deep breaths. Computer is taking too long to load… Did I take my pills today? They’re trying to control me with the pills, they want to hurt me and use me. My actions aren’t my own, that’s why I’m sick. Stop taking the pills. Stop them.

STOP SCREAMING. 

Bugs. Bugs are crawling under my skin. Millions of little bugs, trying to burst out. Snap. Bugs everywhere, or needles. My arms are moving but I can’t control it. Snap, snap. My head hurts so much, I didn’t want to throw it against the wall. Snap. Muscles are so sore, trying to control the random movements. Snap, snap. My wrist is so red, but it really does help. That rubber band I wear as a bracelet keeps me as grounded as I can be. Snap. Why can’t I control my own body? I just wanted to bake cupcakes today…

10 thoughts on “And Just a Touch of Crazy

  1. Wow! You made this so easy to understand, helped to put me in your shoes for a moment. Your description is fantastic . I’m nominating you for the Leibster award. My blog brokenglassshimmers.wordpress.com has recently been nominated so I’m nominating 11 people I think who are deserving . I will be posting about it later today with instructions about what to do next. If you have any questions please feel free to email me spursbythebeach@hotmail.co.uk or tweet @spursbythebeach congratulations ! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is indeed a difficult thing to find balance in, sometimes even for a loving bystander too. I often resort to a verse from the Bible (I, and my son are both Christians) where it says : “For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind”. I take that as a life line and hold on to it when the boat gets wobbly. It also seems to give him a compass in the sea of delusion and a sense of direction in his distorted thinking. Its not an easy battle this, but prevail girl !

    Liked by 1 person

  3. If you have written this it must be your experience in your mind. Fear seems to dominate there ?
    Any chance you can intentionally think on good things – like switching to the good the lovely and the positive ? – on purpose ! . I know it must be hard for you, but choose life and love always. Be kind to yourself.

    Like

    1. Hi Carol. While I will always appreciate good intentions and I thank you for taking the time to write that comment, I don’t really appreciate it.
      Yes, that was my experience and fear definitely dominated. But life is not all good. Along with all the positive things I do in my life, and happy things I say and think, I will sometimes go to dark places.
      If you knew who I was in my personal life you would know I am a very positive person in nature. If you read my other posts you would see I often take things quite positively. But this post was about my experience with psychosis, and I plan to write about it honestly. Including positive comments would only serve to make the message insignificant.
      Once again, I appreciate the good intentions. But that sort of comment can be an issue. Mental illness has some really harsh experiences and whether intentionally or not, you discounted them. This is a blog about my experiences with Bipolar, I will write them as dark as they were.

      Like

      1. Thanks for your honest response.
        I am only a bystander in mental illness and cannot get into the boat, or appreciate the depth and breadth of it. This is my way of always encouraging my son who experiences the mental reality of schizophrenia. I am a bystander who will always try to lift up the soul to hope and victory rather than surcome to being victim or defeat. Hope must burn brightly. Just my honest take on it., didn’t mean to belittle your experience.

        Like

      2. Of course, and thank you for understanding. 🙂 I definitely understand the importance of being positive. I tell it to myself constantly and it’s also a favourite method of my mother’s, although I wish it wouldn’t be sometimes. It’s a difficult thing to find balance in – accepting the tough times but also moving on. I’m sure you help your son with that.

        Like

Thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s